Ah. Fuck, staring at the computer for long can turned me off.
& Im beginning to emo again, fuck!
Days after days, things just dont seems to be better.
I seriously don know how to express my feelings out well.
But whats done is done. I also have no idea what to do next.
Im proud to say that last week, i only cried once while hangover.
Ive to stay strong for precious and all.
Argh, fuck. Jus dont know whats else to add on.
Im just sooo.. ))))))):
Mixed up feelings once again, lucky im out right now.
Mom cancelled my internet line, & im glad that i didnt pick a fight with her.
Stayed home yesterday, it was a long long day staring at the television.
New year's coming and yes, im going overseas! Woohoo.
First week of work ; not bad actually, just that im too clumsy.
Damn, i just hope my brain work faster.
And everyday is just about liquor,beer and toilet ):
I really miss him, friends around asked me the same question again & again.
I've no reply for it. Its pretty hard to say.
Everynight, i just cant stop thinking about the happy days we had.
Boo, things just suddenly turned out like these.
And yes, there's not sweet ending or what.
Whatever, i dont even know what am i trying to say.
Just drink and enjoy everynight.
But liquor keeps me awake in bed!

Yes. Just fuck everything.
I slept for 18hrs. Fall asleep once i reached home yesterday.
Hangover at yw's house the other night.
Didnt sleep at all and we headed down to qrp.
Halfway, teacher called and asked me to wear uniform.
I was dumb to believe him and rushed back to change to uniform.
And we'll late, beg the fucker police for some extra time.
Yet he gave us shits. Lucky in the end we got in.
But was telecasting ( through a television ) but the duration was longer, 30mins.
I didnt really talk to him until the duration left 1/2 mins.
And the important part comes, just like those in drama. The tv just BOO, no more.
LL walked out of the room.
Now, what i can do is just fulfill all his wishes, take back all his belongings.
Afterwhich, went lepak and take results.
At first, i thought the result was still alright.
But in the end, then i realised it sucks.
Im really disappointed in myself, now i really regret for never study and all.
But what can i do, nothing much right now.
Only can persuade my mom, to allow me go to arts school.
FUCK everything seriously.
Sigh.......

):

Many things happened & i really realised ive to stop my nonsense.
I couldn't remember its on which day, i was very hyper but afterwhich i broke down.
Friends around me, cry with me. They're guys for goodness sake.
They actually cry together with me. Lectured me and everything.
Though they didn't say much but i know they felt hurt inside too.
That day was chaos. After crying and all.
I saw my best buddy bleed.
Imagine seeing your best buddy .....
Fuck, i just dont want to think about it but i just couldnt forget the scene.
But my heart really aches. I dont want this kind of life at all.
Im really disappointed in someone.
I already said what i can say, the rest depends on him.
One incident really made me realised alot of things.
Some can be trust, some can't.
I know all these while i disappointed alot of people.
Friends, families and everyone.
Im really sorry especially precious.
I know i really changed alot, from bad to worst.
What i promised you, i'll make it.
I dont wish to disappoint anyone any longer.
Its time for me to wake up and stop running away.

Day after day, i realised how much i actually miss you.
I just hope you'll sort out your thinking inside.

I really miss you,

Im trying my very best to keep my time occupied.
So that i'll stop myself from thinking about him.
How much he suffered inside and everything.
I just cant stop myself from thinking negative.
I dunno, i just feeling so down.
I dunno any other ways to vent out my feelings other than keep blogging.
Ran across the road, i just wished that suddenly a car just bang onto me.
So that i'll simply stop thinking.
Im still awake right now at this moment.
Have to wake @ 7 later.
I really need some rest, im tipsy once again.
Sigh, is this the only way to numb myself?
I just wanna shake that.
Sigh! I just dont understand why things turned out this way.
Is it all my fault? Im still feeling so confused.
Ah, fuck it.

Sigh, im feeling so up & down.
I dont really know how to explain the feeling.
Its just so weird. Went boat quay to celebrate ah ka's birthday last night.
I enjoyed myself there as the crowd there was pretty friendly.
Afterwhich,get home and rest.
I couldnt sleep again despite the liquor.
I tossed and tossed until 6 then i managed to fall asleep.
Woke by deekie's call and mum at 7.
Now again im feeling so tired. Slept for 1hr and later have to go down boat quay again -.-
Zy & me got warning today. We woke early yet we're still late by an hr.
I guess if i got another job, i shall run alr.
& the fucking pay till now haven come.
I really feels like going overseas right now.
Just one kind of escape from everything.
Other than beer&liquor. Thats nothing else i can numb myself alreadyyy.
I seriously think that there's something wrong with me.
Why must i always regret when its too late?
Why cant i just learn my lesson well?
Oh, fuck. Im just so confused right now.
I enjoyed my friends companies but when im alone, my mind just cant stop thinking.
Thinking about every single thing. I just dunno what to do right now.
I really dunno what the hell am i doing or thinking sometimes.
Argh, seriously just fuck the world.
I really feels like asking god, what the hell is happening right now.
Its like so messed-up. Is this some kind of experience/obstacle or what?
What should i fucking do right now.
I dunnnnnnnnnnnooooooo! ARGH. JUST FEEELINGG SO FUCKED UP.

A complete mess!

Im feeling so uncomfortable right now.
Received the news but till now im still in shock.
Ive no idea what to do next.
Not at all, i cant really face the truth that he's caught.
It need 30k just to bail him out.
Now what i can do is wait, for phone calls to keep me updated.
All of us thought he was lucky as his phone wasnt switch off.
But in the late night, i received call from his sis and the breaking news.
I just couldnt sleep through the whole night.
What am i going to do now? We didnt talk for a couple of days and i already decided to let go.
Until his sister texted me and asked me to talk to him before things get worst.
And in the night, this damn thing happened.
Ah. Fucked up life! This is only the starting of 2008.
Things really came crushing down to me.
I seriously have no idea what to do, pretending to be alright and smiles.
But deep inside, i just cant stop thinking hows his life inside?
This is the second time i received sucha news.
What i can do is wait and wait. There's nothing i can do to help.
Friends thought i'll be alright becos im already in the verge of letting go.
But they dont understand how much he means to me.
If i didn't break up with him,all these things wont happen.
If i tried my best to pull him back, things wont turn out this way.
But everything is just too late.
My relationship is in a complete mess.
How can a guy dote on me so much, giving me so much just suddenly disappear like that?
Im really lost this time.
I dunno, i just couldnt stop blaming myself.
Why did i deserve sucha ending, are we really gonna end up this way..
I dunno what to do right now, i just want to stop myself from thinking.
I dont dare to face the fact that he's gone and how much he gonna suffer inside.
No one will ever understand how i feels right now.
The pain that im enduring now is just......

Lalalalalalala. Happy or sad? I dunno.
LOLS. For now, i only wish to have a bed..
I only want to sleeeep! Im soooooo tired right now.
But happy to say that im at work. Hohoho.
I did went work today & yesterday.
Thanks to pzy, i managed to pulled him in but we're always late.
Yesterday was his first day, he was late for 1hr.
Today 1& a half hr. My highest record was late for 2hrs.
I wonder.. Will we be late tomorrow? Or we're skipping?
Hmmm.
Results are releasing sooooooon )))):
Im still in a big confusion right now.
Everyday try to smiles , laugh as much as i can.
But i still havent find any solution to the problem. Oh nooo.
Ive to find a solution to my troubles sooooon.
Money,please come rolling to me. I need some shopping sprees again.
I think thats how girls vent their troubles.
Spending their money away like throwing away their worries & troubles.
I need money to do so much things.
& i think i wanna go to the beach soon :D
Pictures will be uploaded soon as im working right now.

The hidden thoughts ....

Its already 2am now yet im still awake.
Gonna wake @ 630 later, oh man. I really need some sleeping pills.
But im happy that i slept alot yesterday.
Went east coast for drinks. I didnt drink much yet im very tipsy yesterday.
I guess im too tired already or shall i say too upset?
Vomitted alot, the last few times i felt like im vomitting acid.
Its so sour! Yucks. I hate to be drunk man.
The feeling's so miserable.
Went boat quay just now with precious. Met up with andy&alvin.
Slacked with them awhile and i can say alvin is uber lame!
He looked like the guy who acted in gangster15 ( the one who wanted to commit suicide ).
Afterwhich, cabbed home.
I seriously hate to take cab right now.
I reached home and the cab fare is 25bucks!
Stupid cab fare increased like nobody's business. Argh.
Went temasek poly on friday.
The people there are really spontaneous and friendly.
I forgotten i walked to which department.
And the people there welcomed us like we're some VIP.
Hahaha. But the food there is cheap & nice (:
I so wanna get in temasek....
Results is coming out soon and .....
I really dunno what to do after taking it.
I suddenly just feels that my life is a mess. A complete mess.
Lectured by my dad last few days & my whole mind went blank.
I asked myself again & again, what am i doing these days..
Or all the while..
I dunno. I only know now, im very confused.
What my father said do make sense.
I should really think hard over it.
But i don't feel like facing the problem at all.
I just feels like running away....

It seems to me that life without me are much smoother & happier for you.
Do take care outside. Just hope you wont step in more & more to your old self.
Think about your friends whom care about you.
They won't wanna see the same old you once again.

Skipped work today, couldn't wake up.
Was late for work 1hr yesterday, i confirm kena aimed alr.
MIA for too long during dec and start of jan.
Its either i leave or they sack me. The journey is toooo farrrrrrrrrr.
Start work at 9, i have to wake at 6plus. )))):
Its just like the time for school.
Anyway, i gonna take up courses soon. Im like wasting my time away.
Should go for some interesting courses like baking or cooking (:
Oh ya, it reminds me of a call from my dad last evening.
After 2,3 years, its the very first time we joked and laughed on phone!
Im very happy though i still dislikes his way of doing things but he's still my dad.
He claimed that he wanna teach me last time but i refused.
Becos his cooking is much better than mom. Awwww.
I suddenly miss my grandma's cooking the most.
I gonna drop her a visit soon.
Im sooooo hungry right now. This new year, im going overseas!
No more hongbaos for me ):
Haven decide where to go yet but i hope it'll be some relaxing place where i can relax myself.
There's so much things i need to do man.
I wanna go shopping sooon! I need to buy soo many things.
Determination of working please comes to me so that i can have money to buy everything i want!
And.. O's results are coming out.
Im really afraid though i know i flunked it for sure.
But imagine, my mom's rarr-ing face will be soooo scary!
I should really give some thoughts about my future...

You'll always be my only love, baby (:

A bad start of 2008.

Didnt really sleep, been tossing around in bed since morning.
My whole body aches right now especially my neck. Sigh.
Thoughts,nightmares,fears are running around my mind right now.
I seriously think that an overseas trip is a good idea for me.
Letting me cool down and sort out everything.
My mind is in a whirl. No idea what to do next.
I really feels like falling into a deep sleep and never wake up.
Keep searching for something exciting so that i can vent out all my unhappiness.
But it dont seems to work.
I've been trembling since morning, the weather is effing cold.
The tears just cant stop falling whenever i wake from the nightmare.
My relationship is a messed-up. Total messed-up!
Its just all my sins,retribution,karma or whatever.
I really find myself a failure. Im not a good daughter,friend or lover.
I just feels like leaving or running away from the reality.
Seriously, being a person is so hard.
I just cant stop the tears from rolling down my cheek.
Its just starting of a new year yet things came crashing down on me.
Quarrels with mom & dad almost everyday.
Ahhhh. I just feels like screaming out loud right now.
But im aware that i cant run away from the reality.
I've to stand out and face the reality. Be brave and strong.
Taking things easy. Na de qi yao fang de xia.
Ahhh! I dunno anything right now. So confused & everything.
So so so down. Why do things suddenly turned out this way?
Wth am i doing these days? Always regret when its too late.
I really just feels like running away. Ive no idea what to do next..
I just feel like bang the wall and die........

i still do miss you like crazy, there's only one word in me right now.
regret. i realised ive been a bad girlfriend causing you to have fear and lose faith in us.
all these while, you're there for me giving me the best as you could.
but me, i'm not doing anything,not putting effort and all.
always making you upset or pissed. causing you to be so tired.
all these while then i realised how much you meant to me.
how lonely and lost i felt all these while. all the stupid acts of mine; im sorry.
i guess regret is too late now. now i just hope things will be perfect for you (:

Looked through my folders. Found something meaningful.

When there's something you want, fight for it.
Don't give up, no matter how hopeless it seems.
Even when you've lost hope,
Cos years from now you gonna look back & wish you gave it one more shot cos the best things in life don't come easy.
Life is too short , grudges're a waste of perfect happiness.
Laugh when you can, apologize when you should & let go what you can't change.
Take chances ,gives everything and have no regrets.
Life's too short to be unhappy,you've to take the good with the bad.
Smiles when you're sad, love what you've got & always remember what you had.
Learn from your mistakes but never regret.
People changes & things goes wrong but always remember life still goes on (:

It reminds me of a message i recieved from my friend.
Here it goes,

• When you met someone you love, fight chances to be with him/her because when he/she is gone. It'll be too late.

• When you met some trustworthy friend, treasure him/her because its very hard to find a trustworthy friend in life.

• When you met someone that you once loved, remember to smile to him/her because he/she let you learn more about love.

• When you met someone whom you once have crushed on, remember to wish him happy because when you like him, you also wished that he'll be happy.

• When you met someone whom comes and goes, thanks him for bringing the lil short memories.

• When you met someone whom you once
  have misunderstanding, remember to clear it because you may only have this chance to clear the misunderstanding.

• When you met someone whom you
  wished to spend your life with, treasure him and thanks him for the
  happiness he brings.

• I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you.

• No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, won't make you cry.

• Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

• A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.

• The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can't have them.

• Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.

• To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.

• Don't waste your time on a man/woman, who isn't willing to waste their time on you.

• Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful.

• Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened.

• There's always going to be people that hurt you so what you have to do is keep on trusting and just be more careful about who you trust next time around.

• Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try and know someone else and expect them to know you.

• Don't try so hard, the best things come when you least expect them to.

• REMEMBER: WHATEVER HAPPENS, HAPPENS FOR A REASON.

...

Just woke and something happened -.-
Then it turns out to be me being nosey & gek kan.
Its pretty hurting but thanks.
Im just helping my girlfriend. Thats all.
You wanna put the blame on me then ive nothing to say.
Went to redo my hair extension and haircut last night.
Alright, but my highlight doesn't seems to come out.
Yesterday was a superb tiring day.
Didnt sleep for the whole night.
Thought going to work in the morning,suddenly jasline called and cancelled it.
Went to thomson for bak kuh teh instead.
& Ikea,city plaza,central,yw's house and home.
Lazy to elaborate more.
My headache is killing me! Arghs.
I guess i no need people to tell me what to do now.
I just wanna settle this thing fast.
A straight-forward talk will be the best solution.
Yes,sometimes the hardest things to say are the things that really matters.
I only know now, my mind is in a whirl.