A complete mess!

Im feeling so uncomfortable right now.
Received the news but till now im still in shock.
Ive no idea what to do next.
Not at all, i cant really face the truth that he's caught.
It need 30k just to bail him out.
Now what i can do is wait, for phone calls to keep me updated.
All of us thought he was lucky as his phone wasnt switch off.
But in the late night, i received call from his sis and the breaking news.
I just couldnt sleep through the whole night.
What am i going to do now? We didnt talk for a couple of days and i already decided to let go.
Until his sister texted me and asked me to talk to him before things get worst.
And in the night, this damn thing happened.
Ah. Fucked up life! This is only the starting of 2008.
Things really came crushing down to me.
I seriously have no idea what to do, pretending to be alright and smiles.
But deep inside, i just cant stop thinking hows his life inside?
This is the second time i received sucha news.
What i can do is wait and wait. There's nothing i can do to help.
Friends thought i'll be alright becos im already in the verge of letting go.
But they dont understand how much he means to me.
If i didn't break up with him,all these things wont happen.
If i tried my best to pull him back, things wont turn out this way.
But everything is just too late.
My relationship is in a complete mess.
How can a guy dote on me so much, giving me so much just suddenly disappear like that?
Im really lost this time.
I dunno, i just couldnt stop blaming myself.
Why did i deserve sucha ending, are we really gonna end up this way..
I dunno what to do right now, i just want to stop myself from thinking.
I dont dare to face the fact that he's gone and how much he gonna suffer inside.
No one will ever understand how i feels right now.
The pain that im enduring now is just......